It's a long story as to why she needed a car so quickly, but let's say it's in the hands of the solicitors, and those responsible will get more than they bargained for.
96,967 miles on the clock, petrol of course, and it starts up OK. Someone recently said that a mini was the closest you could get to driving a Go Kart on the road. After the test drive on trade plates, I'm inclined to agree. It was at a bargain price, keeping it in my newly acquired family. Taxed, insured and paid for, the jigsaw began on the 11th of August 1998.
There's no rear wiper (which doesn't wash or wipe), the bonnet catch is a bit stiff, the passenger door as been 'popped' at some time, the tailgate is hard to shut, there's no passenger side mirror, no radio, no aerial, it's running rough, low on oil, it's got a mucky air filter, the electrics have been rewired a number of times, the clock doesn't light up, the ignition key is bent, interior light doesn't work, there's no spare tyre, it's got odd door handles, it's badly in need of wheel alignment, there's something strange hanging from the centre exhaust, the bonnet is very wobbly, even when it's shut, and the intermittent wipe doesn't work.
Otherwise there's not a lot wrong with it.
Thursday 13th of August I tried to fix the clock bulb, peeling off the old one from it's holder, and soldering on a wire ended one. It took a couple of hours all told, and when I'd finally managed it, the bulb blew in about 10 seconds flat.
The jigsaw commenced on Saturday 15th August. First things first, wired in a stereo with a 4 channel booster. I changed the air filter, not only did it have the wrong one in, it was so dirty and clogged, someone had put a few screwdriver holes in it. A little oil to tide it over till the change. I picked up another clock bulb already in a holder for less than a pound.
Try as I might, and with a little help from Dave, the boot catch could not be shifted. The latch was moved, so you didn't have to slam the tail as hard. A trip to a local locksmith, and they managed to cut a straight working ignition key from the bent one, lots of light oil in all the locks, some on the bonnet latch, I discovered the remains of a snapped off aerial still inside the wing. Topped up the washer reservoir with my special formula cleaning agent.
Sunday 16th August 1998. Got an oil and filter change, picked up a replacement mirror glass, tried unsuccessfully to find a vandal proof rubber duck style aerial with the correct diameter fixing, and ordered some locking wheel nuts for the alloys. She came saying the stereo didn't work any more. Closer examination revealed a 3 amp fuse in line with the booster and radio. It looked as if it had got a little hot. I changed it for a 5 amp, but may need more. I also have to stop it from sliding out onto the passengers' lap when the driver corners a bit hard.
97169 miles August 19th 1998. Wednesday. I finished work early, and I had booked the car in for a four wheel alignment. "Is yours the Metro?" He said he'd noticed the exhaust bracket hanging down, and asked what the problem was. He told me that the suspension needs pumping up, and the caster on one side is way out. The tracking is not far out, and he suggested swapping tyres around to cure the pulling to the right. He also said that some Mini owners can get kits to adjust the camber, and he'd look at that after the suspension was sorted. He gave me a phone number.
The bloke on the other end of the line said pop round. First he tried the front nearside. The threads were corroded, and he couldn't get his pumping machine to seal properly. "This needs the valve replacing. If it breaks you need to replace the suspension unit. They cost hundred quid new, but we can get then for 25 quid." So Saturday morning I will drop it off. The jigsaw starts to get more complicated!
Saturday morning bright and early, well showers. He told me to come back at 12 midday. A long walk by the vet's though Queens Park, various shops, and a pie shop, I returned after getting pretty wet to find the car with a replaced suspension leg, the others pumped up, and he told me that I also had shock absorbers fitted which would make the ride very hard, but said see how I go on. Well it was hard, and had stopped pulling to the right.
Sunday morning. My significant other works in a hospital theatre, and was on the early shift. She walked to where the car was, and kept on walking. She came back into the house and asked where I'd put her car. It had been stolen. A call to the police to report it, and a call to the insurers. We went for a drive round to the locally known car dumping grounds but no luck.
We got a phone call from the police, the car had been found, no idea what state it was in, but we drove around to the address given. We were looking on the black side, and we'd found a Fiat Panda which may have started a whole new chapter in the car stories. First impressions it looked in a fair state, but the ignition, and door lock had been broken. Some of the items had gone, soft toys and a number of cassettes, however the radio, which I had fastened in with a chain and bolted to the chassis (to stop it sliding out, not to prevent being stolen) was still in.
The breakdown cover that applies with this insurance turned up within the hour and we'll hear after that. We were told by a resident of the area, that someone was hauled away by the police.
Well the insurance inspected it, and declared it a write off. Here endeth the story of this car. However, we received a letter from the DVLA querying our ownership as someone was trying to register it, so someone had picked it up and was turning it back into a runner. If you have F *** KGA, it's an insurance write off!
Postscript: The 'villain' caught by the local police was charged and received 200 hours of community service.
Next piece of the jigsaw is here.
Feel free to drop an 'I told you so' to email nic