From: BASIL::CITSDENIS "Not long now ............................." 4-MAR-1988 09:25:04.92 To: @THEO,CITSDENIS CC: Subj: last one ???????? AND NOW ....... The time is right ........ the place is right ...... So COME ON DOWN ..... the price is aaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhh ! O.K. which divvy let Leslie Crowther in ? Geddim out !!!! Now ..... where were we ....... AH YES ........ It's Theophilus's finest hour ! He's escaped the clutches of Ralph and Cecil ; He fearlessly eats Students Union pizzas ; He's not afraid of Laurette ; and Thelma thinks he's the best thing since BATMAN came back on the telly ! Read on, and find out what happens next in the final, mega-busting episode of the intrepid adventures of our fearless quadruped - it's .... it's .... AARDVARK IX The Final Front Ear Don't miss it .......................... Daily Express A bloody good read ..................... Daily Star Absolute unadulterated piffle .......... Times Literary Supplement Uggle Gluggle .......................... The Sun Look at the knockers on Thelma ......... Sunday Sport Nautical scenes ........ Mandy Lifeboats Cripples ..............{ Claude Balls { Ivan Ackeroff Catering ............... Sam 'n' Ella Cars ................... Lim O'Zeens Elocution Lessons ...... Lester Piggott Tax advisor ............ Lester Piggott Photography ............ Telly Savalas using a Kojak Instamatic Hairdresser ............ Dan Druff German Hairdresser ..... Herr Kutz Village idiot .......... Michael Foot Theophilus listened with great interest, a plan beginning to form at the back of his mind (why it chose the back I don't know - the front's roomier and much warmer and better carpeting ....). He heard the plans to reduce the computer system to rubble with great gusto, and was really impressed by their simplicity (they had to be simple for Students to understand them). However, he wasn't going to join them (voice from the back- "bloody traitor") - on the contrary, this was his chance to get back on Owen Landscape's Valentine card list ! "If I grass on this lot," thought Theophilus, "He'll be so grateful he'll give me that senior programmer's job that's just come up. He ran ,nay, positively bounded to Owen's office. He was suddenly staggered by a notice (Bloody vicious buggers the college notices!). It read - Will all people who have cars at the back of the Tower block please move them so we can finish off the swimming pool we're trying to finish building ? He carried on to Owen's office and told him everything. However, far from being grateful, he was furious ! "You smelly little heap of Earwig Poo !!" he screamed. (I told you he was furious !) "do you really think I care a monkey's defaecating mechanism about that system ? It's a bigger load of crap than Neighbours ! (Steady on, Owen, nothing's that bad !) - and as for you, why don't you go and play with the white lines on the M6? Poor Theophilus ! Banished again ! "I can't be absolutely certain, but I get a feeling that Owen doesn't like me very much ...." pondered Theophilus. What was he to do now ? He wendedhis weary way home (weary wend, weary wend) and got ready for bed. Perhaps it was all a nightmare, and he'd wake up in the morning, and everything would be hunky dory - some chance ! Suddenly there was a tap on the front door "What a daft place to put a tap" thought Theophilus. He opened the door in his pyjamas (all togeher now - "WHAT A SILLY PLACE TO PUT A DOOR" - that's it, you're learning quickly !) then he closed it and opened the front door. "Thelma ! Thelma !" he cried. "Come in, come in". Horrors !! He had suddenly been struck down with stereophonic speech ! Thelma entered stealthily. "It's all right Theo" whispered Thelma, "No-one saw me coming. Can we talk ?" "Suppose so. And - I'm sorry for leaving you in bits in the hotel room like that but I was upset - you understand." "Theo I have something for you." "Is it in one piece, or do I have to put it together ?" "Don't be sarcastic. It's another job !!!! A fantastic job working in Bury." "A Bury good job then !" (These jokes are getting worse - good job we're near the end , I can't stand any more cringers like that last one!) "Yes, you will be working in the computer unit, writing software for the vicar of Chorley!" (Are you ready for this ??!!) "You mean the Chorley Chaplain ?" (That's it I'm leaving !!!!" "Yes". "Let's go then right away, I'll be glad to leave here ...." SO THEOPHILUS AND THELMA RODE OFF IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF BURY TO CONTINUE THEIR ADVENTURES................ Footnote (Well nine inches at least ....) If you want any more episodes of the adventures of Theophilus, please mail me as I will be coming back here regularly over the next three months. I would also be grateful for some suggested names for the credits, as it's bloody difficult to think them up !