From:	BASIL::CITSDENIS    "COBOL Programmers never die - they just don't PERFORM any more !"  2-JUN-1987 14:20:14.89
To:	@THEO,CITSDENIS   
CC:	
Subj:	applause please ........

AND NOW !!!! No-one knows how much pain and strife this episode has cost me - 
             the mega-millions spent on production costs ....
             the acrimonious divorce ....
             the impending law-suit ....
             friends deserting me ....

            (Shaddup you pitiful little turd and get on with it !)

O.K. , O.K., It's  ................

                               AARDVARK VIII
  
       The prequel to the sequal of the serialised sequal to the original !!

    Council for the Defence ................ Nat Gillty
    Cannibal Chief ......................... Norah Bone
    Finance ................................ Hugh Joverdraft
    Cameraman .............................. Cy Cheese
    Production Estimates ................... Mo Rorless
    Explosions ............................. Dinah Mite
    Nymphomaniac ........................... Alice Deffnitlly-Wille
    Steeplechas sequence filmed at ......... Upsand Downs    
    Theophilus's Agent ..................... Takis Tenpacent
 
    Lifts supplied by ...................... L.E. Vater
    Cheese supplied by ..................... Gordon Zola
    Indian Meals supplied by ..............{ Vin DeLooe
                                           { Barry Arnee
    Horses supplied by ..................... Jim Carner

    filmed on location and at BOREHAMSTIFF Studios, Bolton, England.


	Theophilus looked through the wound down window.

        "Well, have you got something for me ?"

	"Waaall, heck, doggone it, I'll be durned, and other Texan cliches ....
         NOPE !! I do declare I ain't got nuthin' fer an aardvark !"

         - and he wound up the window and drove away, chuckling merrily !

	"You're about as much use as a one-legged man in an arse kicking 
contest" grumbled Theophilus. "Hope you never find out who your dad was !" and 
he thrust two claws skywards in a gesture of spite. (He's an aardvark remember,
and aardvarks have claws, not fingers !)


	He decided to walk for a while. He thought he might go and visit his
mother. "I think I might go and visit my mother" he thought. (See, Told You !).

	As he walked along, he spotted a crowd of people. As they wiped the 
spots off, he pushed his way to the front, and saw a man lying hurt in the road.

	"Call me an ambulance" said the injured man.

	"You're an ambulance" obliged Theophilus - and he walked away.

	He looped back and back into college. On the notice board were three
notices which caught his eye. "Ouch - that hurt!" said Theophilus, rubbing his
eye !

	The signs read :-

	TOMORROW'S MEETING OF THE APATHY SOCIETY HAS BEEN CANCELLED OWING TO
        LACK OF INTEREST

	NO COMMUNITY HEALTH LECTURES FOR TWO WEEKS - TUTOR IS ILL

	IF YOU CAN READ THIS NOTICE YOU ARE NOT A MECH. ENG. STUDENT

	Theophilus went up the stairs and into the library. He knew he may not 
escape from there totally sane, but as long as he didn't ask for change for the
photocopier he should be all right.
	At the first table, he saw a blind student rubbing his hands up and down
a cheese grater. "Best book I've ever read" he said to Theophilus, ecstatically.

	Theophilus went over to the counter. "What are the latest releases ?"

	The young lady listed them :-

	"Home brewing using matrix Algebra and Karnaugh Maps"
        "The Italian Book of War Heroes"
        "The Ethiopian Recipe Book"
        "Or, if you want totally confusing, the VAX FMS Manual"

	"What are you trying to do, reduce me to a gibbvering wreck ?" yelled
Theophilus making a bolt for the door (Oh, no that gag's been done before, stop
right there !!)

	Outside he met a student with a two foot high pile of computer listing
paper. "What's that ?" asked Theophilus, nosily.

	"Test data for my program. I've already taken the other six copies back
upstairs !"

	They walked upstairs together. "I don't know why the printer is on the
ground floor" complained the student. "These stairs'll be the death of me ! I've
been up and down today more often than a bride's nightie !"

	"I used to be the programmer here" said Theophilus making conversation.

	"Oh, what happened" asked the student.

	"I thought JSP meant Junk on Scrap Paper and they threw me out !"

	"Doesn't it ?" asked the student surprised.

	By this time, they were outside the VAX lab on the fifth floor. The lab
was heaving with students. 

	"Ill get rid of them, just watch me " said Theophilus.

	"Nunno,they're our friends" said the student. "We're hatching a plan to
paralyze the college !"

	"How ?" asked Theophilus, gormlessly.

	"We're gonna jam up the processer, bugger up the printers and use up all
the printer paper" said the student.

	"I love it !!!!" said Theophilus. "Tell me more" ...................