From:	BASIL::CITSDENIS    "REAL programmers do it with GOTO's" 31-MAR-1987 13:26:35.35
To:	@THEO
CC:	
Subj:	Here it is ............... at long last ................

                  AND NOW ........ AGAINST ALL THE ODDS ........

            YOU DON'T WANT IT, BUT YOU'RE GETTING IT ANYWAY ........

    READ IT WHILE YOU ARE SITTING ON THE BOG, YOU'LL FIND THE PAPER USEFUL !

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*                                                                              *
*                              AARDVARK VII                                    *
*                                                                              *
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             FINANCE .............................. ROBIN BANKS

             REFUSE COLLECTION .................... M. T. BINNS

             RECORDING ............................ V. D. O'TAYPE

             BATHING SEQUENCES .................... JACK COOZEY

             CIGARETTES SUPPLIED BY ............... CORFF & NAILS

             SOUND ................................ LEN DANEER

             TRAMPS OUTFITS ....................... BURTONS

             STUDENTS OUTFITS ..................... OXFAM

             LIGHTING ............................. CANDY LARBOROUGH



   .... "There's more of you ?" asked Theophilus, his eyes wide with amazement -
(he was amazed).

   "Yes," said CITSPETER, "let me give you a quick run down ........."

CITSNIC        the local area Branch Secretary of APNE. (The Association of Pot
               Noodle Eaters). He likes to induce paralysis in his victims by
               making them inhale Pot Noodle fumes whilst he pretends to
               re-enable their PRINT command !

CITSPAULA      Head of the Farnworth Friday Tea Dance and Mafia Activities Club.
               Enjoys party games such as "Whose turn is it for the Concrete
               Overcoat" and "Pass the Parcel Bomb".

CITSDENIS      also known as the super-evil, mega-nasty, and otherwise 
               unpleasant chap, CAPTAIN COBOL, who loves to confuse his victims
               by quoting complicated code from memory.

CITSNEIL       President of the Danger Mouse Fan Club (Total membership 1). He
               likes to tie his victims to a chair, and makes them listen to
               Nana Mouskouri records, or, if he's in a really nasty mood,
               WHAM's greatest hits. (He's a real baddie, this one !)

MAT25203       Not really a member, but worth a mention. His alias is COOKE the
               TURKEY (Christmas Joke !!) and he specialises in boring people to
               death - and they don't even need to be in the same room !! He 
               uses phrases like "Did you know there are 29 different air lines
               using Heathrow ?" and other such dull facts.

        Theophilus was impressed. "I'm impressed" said Theophilus. (See, I told
you he was impressed !)

        "Anyway, must go, " sid Theophilus, I'm taking Thelma for a night of 
passion. I'll see you tomorrow, will I?". "No prob," said CITSPETER, "see you
then ".

        Theophilus made his way back to the tower block as quick as he could, as
it was very nearly 5 o'clock ! There she was, just as he remembered her ........

        "Oh, Thelma"  said Theophilus.

        "Oh, Theophilus," said Thelma.

        "OH, GAWWDDDD !" said everyone else !

        Theophilus took Thelma's arm - then he gave it back to her ........

        (C'mon son, you're slipping, that's the third gag you've repeated !)

	Theophilus called the lift. "Lift, you are a total prat !" he said.

	They walked out into the freezing night air. They passed two brass 
monkeys looking for a welder. Overhead was a Japanese man in a hot air balloon.
"There's a NIP in the air tonight" he said to Thelma ........

	Theophilus booked himself and Thelma into the nearest hotel, signing 
the book as Mr. and Mrs. Aardvark. (he didn't want to look conspicuous !). The 
receptionist turned to him and said "We'd like you to fill in a questionnaire".
So Theophilus went and punched the doorman ! (O.K. I admit it's an old one, but 
it's quite appropriate !).

        They went upstairs, and started to undress. Thelma took off her padded 
bra and her false eyelashes and fingernails. Then she took out her glass eye, 
and false teeth. Next, she unstrapped her wooden leg. she looked passionately
at Theophilus. "Fancy a bit," she asked sexily. "Sure," said Theophilus, "throw
it over" he said sarcastically, and stormed out of the room. He took the lift to
the ground floor. "I didn't wanna come here," said the lift, rather annoyed.

        He went to the receptionist. "Please make up my bill" he said.

	"Three million quid", said the man on the counter.

	"That isn't true, " said Theophilus.

	"I know, you told me to make it up," said smartypants.

	Theophilus stormed out, thoroughly brassed off.

        outside in the Car Park, a large balck limousine was waiting. Sitting in
the back, was the famous American shipping millionaire, Milton Fudpucker Tucker
III (Careful !!!!).

	"Are yew the faymous Theorphilus the Aardvarrk ?" said that_man_with_the
name_that_can_be_badly_mispronounced.

	"Yes," said Theophilus.

	"Hayve Ah got surmthin fer yew !!!!"................