From: BASIL::CITSDENIS "I ain't even got time to have a nervous breakdown !" 10-MAR-1987 17:08:19.50 To: @THEO CC: Subj: Here it is .... Brace yourself !!!! And now ........ You were thrilled by Aardvark I ......... You were amazed by Aardvark II ........ You were underwhelmed by Aardvark III ... You couldn't give a monkey's about Aardvark IV .... You were totally gobsmacked by Aardvark V .......... Even so, HOLD YOUR BREATH .. DON'T LOOK NOW .. ARE YOU READY FOR THIS .... (Voice from the back of the hall - "Get on with it, you TEAPOT !!"). da da da da da da da !!!!!!!! (Fanfare of trumpets) AARDVARK VI - THE ANTEATER STRIKES BACK Errand Boy ....................... Gordon The Gopher Aerial Stunts .................... Walter Pidgeon and George Segal Computer Hardware ................ IBM (Itsy-Bitsy Machines) Cars supplied by ................. Minnie Metro Dog Handler and Trainer .......... Jeremy Beagle Choreography ..................... Bernard Manning and Russell Grant Sexual Stunts .................... Roger D. Lodjer Homosexual Advisers .............. Ben Down and Phil McCrackin { Little and Large Bad Jokes .......................{ Max Bygraves { Cannon and Ball Percussion Instruments ........... Efram Cymbalist Jr. Director's Personal Assistant .... Norma Stitz Director ......................... Dai Rekter ***************************************************************************** HEALTH NOTICE : All the water used on the set has been passed by the Producer ***************************************************************************** A Brief Summary : Theophilus has just evaded the clutches of the intrepid Plod. He has run away from the Chinese chippy without paying, and is just about to start feeding his face when he is approached by Graham Baxter .... "Hello Theo me little fruit bat " said Baxter. "Bugger off , you pile of Wombat droppings, you're putting me off me tea !", said Theophilus in his best articulate manner. Baxter was accused of being the Acid Bath Murderer. The evidence against him was overwhelming - he'd lost an arm when pulling the plug out ! Theophilus didn't like Baxter very much; in fact as far as he was concerned, Baxter was the best evidence he'd seen in favour of the Abortion Bill !! Thoroughly miserable by now, his Chinese looking like a three hour old Pot Noodle (Oh my Goddddddd !) he made his weary way back to the student's refectory. That was the last place anyone would look for him ! But what was this ? There was a large table bedecked with leaflets, and two visions with long legs clad in black nylon, & blue tunics with buttons straining under pressure of the heaving bosoms beneath them .... (steam, steam) (Control yourself lad - take a COLD shower !) Ahem ! ..... Where Was I ? ..... Ah yes ........ There were two nurses recruiting blood donors ! They started to ask him some questions ........ "Do you have AIDS ?" said Florence Nightingale. "What's that ?" asked Theophilus. "Acquired Impotence when Dating Students !" "NO I HAVEN'T". "Are you a practising homosexual ?". "I don't need to practice, I'm pretty good without !" "Are .. are you doing anything tonight ?" asked Florence II. "Are you asking me out ?" said Theophilus, not believing his ears. "Yes. I've heard such a lot about you, and I think you're Great !!" Theophilus couldn't believe his luck ! A girlfriend of his own, at long last ! All right, she wasn't exactly Madonna, and the hair over her top lip needed some attention, and her specs were like the bottoms of Coke bottles, but at least she wasn't an ART student ! She told him her name was Thelma, and he promised to pick her up at 5 and 'take her somewhere nice'. In the meantime, he had to find somewhere safe. the refectory was beginning to fill up with people selling useless objects - Ethnic Toiletries, Pop Posters, Marillion Teeshirts ........ Suddenly it dawned him (Dawn,Dawn !!). Where was the most desolate, unpopulated , boring place in Bolton ? NO, not the Student's Union Bar, or the Town Centre pubs ........ - it was CHADWICK STREET ! (Yawn !) There wasn't a second to lose. He jumped in his 2CV. He jumped out again - it was quicker to walk ! As he approached the I.T. Centre he knew he was in the right place. A sign on the door said :- THIS IS BONGOLAND. PLEASE LEAVE YOUR BRAINS IN THE BOX PROVIDED AND COLLECT THEM WHEN YOU LEAVE. He ignored it, and went inside. He realised he was not alone. He crept through the connecting door, and suddenly he saw it ........ 6 ft. 13 ins. of pulsating fibrous tissue, the head covered in yellow pustules, the body wrapped in some ancient fabric, and large, flat, grey feet. "Hello sweety, welcome to Bongoland, said CITSPETER. "Aaaarggggggghhhhhh ! said Theophilus and he made a bolt for the door. (Tut, Tut, repeating gags - are we running out of material ??) "Sit down," said CITSPETER, "and I'll show you how to crash the computer at peak times, and annoy HND students. " "Sounds like fun" said Theophilus, sitting on a swivel chair. As he did so, he caught the hydraulic lever. The chair shot skyward, rotating as it went. "Weeeeeeeeeeee" said Theophilus. "Second door on the left," said CITSPETER, "and don't wet the carpet !!" Suddenly, the VT220 blew up in a shower of smoke and sparks. "Oh, dear" said Theophilus. "No, it's O.K." said CITSPETER. "That was deliberate. It's all part of a plot. The idea is, to set up the equipment so that as soon as a student tries to do his assignment, something goes wrong. In the past month, we've made the printer throw a wobbler 20 times at least, brought the computer down just as several students were about to edit their programs, and, best of all, made them pay for extra paper ! Won't have to buy me own booze for weeks ! The last resort is the old SYMBOLIC STACK DUMP. just as they think they've cracked it - WALLOP - give 'em a Stack Dump !!" "That's despicable !!" said Theophilus. "You ain't heard nuthin' yet !" said CITSPETER. "You don't know about the rest of our group ........ "