From:	BASIL::CITSDENIS    "Tired out........no more donations please !!!!"  1-DEC-1986 20:16:32.34
To:	CITSNIC
CC:	
Subj:	part 5

IS IT A BIRD ? .................................... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

IS IT A PLANE ? ................................... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

IT'S ... IT'S ..................................... AARDVARK V !!!!!!


                   CHEAPSKATE PRODUCTIONS prsesnts ........

                          AARDVARK FIVE (THE MOVIE)
                          -------------------------

Wardrobe Master   Chester Drawers        Accountants Trick & Cheetham

Comedy Routines   Norfolk & Good         Stunts      Ivor Glassback

Car Crashes       Nikki Lauda            Make Up     Nikki Lauda

Caterers          MacDonalds (euch!)     Drunken sequences HND1 Students

Gaffer            Bill Maynard           Lighting by candles

Fight Arranger Terry Lawless             Loan Arranger and Tonto

                 Funded by the MSC  (Moronic Stupid Cretins)


	Poor Theophilus ! Stuck at the awards ceremony, listening to some daft
old buffer going on and on and on and on .......snore !!!! ..... rather like one
of Ian Duff's lectures really !

	Suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder (daft place to put a tap !). it 
was the commissionaire. "Are you Theophilus the Aardvark ?" he asked, looking at
a photofit picture from Crimewatch.

	"Errrrrr, yes," said Theophilus, "What's the matter?".

	"Two gentlemen to see you sir!" Oh god, was it Ralph and Cecil found him
already ?? No, it was worse than that ........

	Outside were two men, each with a female breast on his head. Theophilus
laughed. "It's not funny sir," said one of them, "The only way we could cover
them up was to join the police force!".

	"You're in good company, then" said Theophilus. "They're all tit-heads
in the police force !".

	Plod wasn't amused ........

	"I shall have to ask you to walk this way," said Plod.

	"If I do, I'll be arrested" said Theophilus.

	"You ARE being arrested " said Plod.

	"What have I done ?" asked Theophilus.

	"Absconded from BIHE without permission and without waving to Duncan.
	"We have been ordered to return you forthwith (or thirdwith which is 
	even faster!). If you try to resist arrest, we shall have to rearrange
	your wedding tackle without anaesthetic !" (oooouuuuuccccchhhhhh!)

	Theophilus ran for it. He ran into the bus station, forlornly looking
for a bus to catch. "Bloody new schedules" he cursed, looking for a hiding
place. He ran into a nearby Chinese takeaway ........

	"WHARYOUWARH ?" screamed the little yellow man.

	"Prawn balls" said Theophilus.

	"Then let Plod kick you in Goolies hahahahahahah ". "Lice or Chip?"

	"Lice" said Theophilus, licking his snout. Lice are tastier than ants!

	"Sore finger ?" said Chairman Mao.

	"Eh !" said Theophilus.

	"Oh you mean salt and vinegar,"."No thanks," said Theophilus. "Have you
         got Frogs legs ?".

	"Yes" says our jaundiced purveyor of food.

	"Then hop over there and get me a meat pie !!"

	As the chink moved away, Theophilus made a bolt for the door. Then he
made a brass knocker, and an ornate letter box.

	He sat down to savour his meal. 

	Just at that moment Graham Baxter walked up ................