From:	BASIL::CITSDENIS    "Captain Pinksox"  8-SEP-1986 08:52:22.00
To:	CITSNIC
CC:	
Subj:	

                             A Cautionary Tale
                             -----------------

	Theophilus P. Aardvark was a born loser. He finally came to realise it
when his mum sent him off to school with his sandwiches wrappeds in a map, and
when he got home, they had moved house. He was destined to struggle from the
very beginning. He had a very low I.Q. (one point higher than the average HNC
student) and a very long snout which was no good for anything except eating 
ants.
	His first Business venture, a Cannibal's take-away, failed because the 
customers preferred the staff to the food. However, he persevered, and started
to offer exotic dishes such as Kentucky Fried Wildebeeste and Gnu in a basket.
One day, he ran out of bread while making an elephant's trunk sandwich. When
he told his customer, the customer tore off his arm, and hit him with the soggy
end. This prompted Theophilus to exit the catering busuness post-haste.
	One morning, whilst he was painting his snout blue, the telephone rang.
it was Bolton Town Hall with a job offer :-

B.T.H. "WE have a job for you"

T.P.A. "Working for you ? Bog off, it's bad enough being an Aardvark!"

B.T.H. "No not here, it's at B.I.H.E. in the C.I.T.S. department."

T.P.A. "C.I.T.S. ??"

B.T.H. "Yes. Crap Information To Students."
             
T.P.A. "Sounds good. What do I do ?"

B.T.H. "Mainly, never be around when you're needed."

T.P.A. "I'll start Monday."

	Monday dawned. Off went Theophilus with his programmer's pencil, Roland
Rat mug and powdered milk. His first job was to write a suite of programs that
were guaranteed never to work.

"How long have I got?" asked Theophilus.

"Three Weeks" replied his boss Owen Landscape. "The first symbolic stack dump
is scheduled for the following Monday".

	Theophilus set about his task with gusto. His first compilation
generated 300 errors, but he improved it to 450 with his second attempt. He
laced his programs with GO TO's. Come the Great Day he was ready.

	His demonstration was a disaster. EVERYTHING WORKED !

	"That's the END" cried Owen Landscape. "As a punishment, I'm going to
transfer you to the Lecturing staff in Maths and Computing....."



	"OH NO, anything but that !!!!" cried Theophilus, as he was dragged,
 screaming, to the fifth floor .............................................